I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
