Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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