I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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