3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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