Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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