I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
