Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
