she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
