I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
