I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So squirting runs in the family.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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