Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
