i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
