We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
