i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
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When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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