thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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