we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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