every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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