Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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