the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
