i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.