did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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