Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Let's get the cat blown out
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me