he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
no more duck duck goose at the bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom