if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
