Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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