i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
