i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
barbara walters just said penis...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
