my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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