i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
