I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
