Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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