im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
