When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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