she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nutella sex= disaster
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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