that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
