Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
