Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
