i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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