i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
