Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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