I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
