they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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