dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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