Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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