Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
