If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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