he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
