The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
