theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
