Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
