Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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