yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize