Someone shit on the floor
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
