I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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