I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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