At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
