dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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