Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
